


The Shitheads Next Door

by fckyeahgallavich



Series: Canon fill-in [7]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Canon Fill-in, Enzo's POV, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, POV First Person, the perspective we all need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 19:34:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21397501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fckyeahgallavich/pseuds/fckyeahgallavich
Summary: Cell blocks are supposed to be quiet, right?FUCKING WRONG! Especially when you've got a pair of bickering shitheads living next to you. Look... I'm not a fuckin homophobe, but these queens have GOT to get their shit together or I'm gonna lose my shit.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Canon fill-in [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/854672
Comments: 45
Kudos: 263





	The Shitheads Next Door

Look. I ain’t a fuckin homophobe or nothin. When Gay Jesus and his boyfriend moved into the cell next door I didn’t look twice. I heard them discussing what sounded like a long-ass history between the two of ‘em. I tried to tune it out and I tried not to give a shit, but… you know… you get really fuckin bored in this place and sometimes it’s nice to eavesdrop. It’s almost like my granddad’s stories about radio having a comeback. And they were  _ definitely  _ every bit as crazy as the fuckin soap operas my gran used to listen to. They’d put each other through the fuckin ringer and, hell I’d admit that it was kinda sweet to hear ‘em gettin nostalgic about good times between ‘em in between hashin out shit that… sounded like shoulda been hashed out fuckin years ago.

People always think prison’s such a quiet place when you’re in your cell… because of all the cinderblocks, I guess. But for all the shit you hear from your neighbors… that cinderblock may as well be plywood with scotch tape windows. I hear everything.

_ Everything. _

And like I said, I don’t hate gay people. Hell, I’ve been horny enough to get bent over before and I can sorta get the appeal. But  _ Jesus Christ  _ could those Queens next door get their titties in a twist about nothing!

For the first few months I just heard a lot of grunts and rustles from the mattress. Let’s just say they had a long honeymoon period and took more than their fair share of lockdowns as their own personal vacations. That shit I could usually tune out so long as they were bein quiet.

… Though there were a couple of times (more than a couple, but I like to repress) that sounded particularly… eventful. And sometimes my mind went to some creative places from sink to wall. I dunno which one does what, but I can kinda guess from the bruises the Milkovich one sported on his elbows and the red palms of his hands that I immediately matched to louder slapping sounds that were probably his palms smacking against the brick wall. I just shook my head and walked away, not being able to handle the sly grins between the two. It was like they got off on being subtly obvious.

But the sex noises weren’t even the worst of it. Like I said, I ain’t a homophobe and usually they tried to keep it quiet, so I tried to tune it out to give them their privacy. But then in that same honeymoon period they laughed about  _ everything.  _ Like… The dudes were fuckin  _ giddy _ half the time. And from the scowl that Milkovich always wore when he was out in the common area I could tell that it was Gallagher’s influence that made him that way.

So the laughter was cute for a bit. I could tell from that laughter and the intense differences between who they were in private and who they were in the common area and everyone deserves to have someone who makes them happy. But there were several times I had to beat on the sheet metal bottom of my bunk to get em to calm the fuck down. Nothing could  _ possibly  _ be so funny in their teeny cube that they laugh for a solid twenty minutes. Fucking. Nothing.

One time I even heard them “ _ zzzzzeeeeeowwww,” “zzzshow,”  _ and make other lightsaber noises followed by calling one another various names through endearing laughter for half an hour. When we stepped out of our cells that morning, they were both splattered with white stains and I got the most  _ disturbing  _ image of them jerking off their “lightsabers” on each other until, thank  _ Christ,  _ the redhead reassured me they got carried away while brushing their teeth. I still raised a brow at that because… what grown man (much less two grown  _ men  _ ) play lightsaber with their toothbrushes?

Turns out… it was how they got around arguing over the mirror. I don’t blame ‘em, that mirror is fucking  _ small  _ but… do you really  _ need  _ to look yourself in the mirror while brushing your teeth? Like… Is it  _ absolutely necessary? _

Well, for the Milkovich and Gallagher duo, it is. And they fought about it for a whole fucking  _ week _ about four months after they first got here; the first of many signals that their honeymoon phase was mercifully ending.

Well, it felt like it was merciful at the time. Now, six months after that, I would be kept awake every night for the rest of my ten year sentence with gay pornstar shrieking moans, and would never complain if they ever  _ did  _ get inspired to play Star Wars with their johnsons, if only it would put an end to their ceaseless  _ arguing! _

It started with that stupid fuckin mirror before  _ finally  _ Milkovich agreed to let Gallagher go first so he’d be ready to take his meds as soon as the doors opened — NOT my fault that I overheard that shit. Those fuckers scream  _ everything  _ when they communicate.

So the mirror fiasco got sorted out pretty quick. But then there was the  _ Pringles  _ emergency.

Commissary only had one can of Pringles left and they fuckin  _ screamed  _ over that fucker. Gallagher happened to get it and Milkovich wanted to split it, but Gallagher asked why even wanted it in the first place since they weren’t barbeque. Gallagher accused him, then, of just wanting them because  _ he  _ had them — your typical five year old shit, man, I’m fucking telling you. Milkovich called Gallagher a greedy-ass bastard and that launched them into the first of  _ many  _ award-winning screaming matches that I couldn’t even follow.

“ _ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SHARE THE GODDAMNED CHIPS, ARE YOU CHILDREN?”  _ I finally had to scream. A guy could only take so much.

“LISTEN TO ENZO!” Milkovich agreed. Gallagher didn’t say anything and I imagine they shared their snack in peace from there because the next peep out of them I heard was their version of soft sighs of what was probably make-up sex.

I got two days of chilling until Milkovich demanded where Gallagher’d moved his drawings to. Ugh, it started a huge argument about leaving his shit alone and not touching his shit. Gallagher insisted he just didn’t want them to get shots for obscene drawings on their wall and Milkovich insisted  _ he’d  _ be the one getting in trouble and to not worry his bald head about it (Gallagher had to shave his head a week ago and Milkovich teased him for it relentlessly when he got on his nerves.)

“DON’T START THAT SHIT AGAIN!” I called before Gallagher was able to shoot back.

“SHUT UP, ENZO!” Milkovich cried as Gallagher shouted “THANKS, ENZO!” It was getting easy to catch on to when the insults would be taken as playful and when they would start a fight and  _ this one  _ was to start a fight.

Later that night, Gallagher screeched “DID YOU DRAW A DICK ON MY FACE?”  _ just  _ as I was dozing off to sleep.

“No, I drew a dick  _ as  _ your face. Because you’re being a fuckin dickhead.”

“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT YOU DRAWIN MY DICK FOR THE WHOLE FUCKIN PRISON TO SEE?” Gallagher demanded. Oh…. Okay yeah I could see why he might want those taken down… I snorted as I realized Milkovich must have been drawing Gallagher for his own enjoyment but, could totally see Gallagher not being comfortable with everyone who walks by their bunk, like, say,  _ me,  _ knowing that his dick was a fuckin  _ monster cock. _

Wait… Milkovich  _ took that?  _ I shuddered in fear.

Was that even anatomically possible?

Now they were screaming about it and the humor had long worn off.

“QUIT DRAWIN GALLAGHER’S DICK, MILKOVICH. WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT MORE’N WE HAVE TO GODDAMMIT!” My bunkie busted out laughing but I wasn’t joking. 

“MIND YOUR FUCKIN BUSINESS, ENZO!”

And so began our routine. 

Finally Gallagher suggested some time apart and I thought this day would _never come. _It'd been _weeks _since the muscles in my back relaxed. All of their fighting and bickering kept me tense and irritable so bad that my roommate and I even started fighting.

And though I was ready to fight back this time when Milkovich told me, as usual, to mind my own business, I heard Gallagher start trying to reason with his boyfriend. Fucking... _finally! _I nearly teared up with relief.

... But then they started fighting over who would stab Chester! _For fuck's sake!_

So... That's why I'm now in solitary confinement. Enjoying the complete... true silence. I've caught up on sleep in kind and now I'm waiting out the rest of my time in solitary until I can go back and give those shitheads a piece of my mind if they haven't figured their shit out by the time I'm out.

This had better been a fuckin wake-up call for them. But don't get the wrong idea, I didn't do this for them. 

I did this for the complete silence... For the first time in almost a _year._


End file.
